I made a typographical error in my column final week: I meant to say that we’d like extra sports activities, not much less. In my protection, I’d been washing and folding my American flag and wasn’t centered on my Samsung Galaxy E-book S keyboard.
Ugh. So I wakened noon to search out 37 texts telling me I used to be trending No. 1 on Twitter. How might this be? I briefly thought I need to’ve slept-walk and robbed a string of minimarts up and down the West Coast.
I used to be only a sufferer of Fox Sports activities’ buffoonish enfant horrible, Clay Travis.
Maybe you might be unfamiliar with Travis, the white-hot consideration seeker, a failed-lawyer failed-thinker babbler of contrarian nonsense who now rides down the center of the road on a unicycle shouting, “Look, Ma, no fingers!”
Travis tweeted out The Washington Put up headline on my column, “The pandemic has reminded us: we don’t want extra sports activities – we’d like much less,” to his 670,000 Twitter followers, whereas addressing how silly I’m and the way a lot sportswriters like me disdain sports activities.
This triggered his ready-to-rumble base, igniting the same old Twitter on-line mob. Fortunately, I slept by means of most of it, dreaming of athenaeums and student-nonathletes.
Within the column – as I’ve accomplished numerous instances within the final 20 years – I satirically questioned the outsized function of sports activities in our tradition. Ooh … revolutionary stuff!
Travis’s premise is that I’m rooting towards the return of sports activities and hate them. Hmm. How a lot might I probably hate sports activities if I’ve NBA League Cross? Heck, in case you’re watching a New York Knicks-Sacramento Kings sport at 10 on a Tuesday evening, you may hate your self greater than you hate sports activities.
Anyway, after awakening, I made a decision to interact my attacker on Twitter; this seldom ends effectively.
Following a gap tweet during which I discussed that Travis was “the neatest man within the room” as a result of I had heard him say that on his radio present, this was our change:
Travis: Norman, thanks for listening. However hear higher. I didn’t say I used to be the neatest man within the room. I stated in comparison with folks such as you, I’m a genius. Which I’m.
Me: My dangerous, Clay, I misheard this in your March 25 present: “I’m a reasonably good dude … just about each check I’ve ever measured, I’m within the 99.9 percentile. … If I had needed to be, I might’ve been a physician.” Uh, 99.9% sounds fairly excessive.
Travis: Thanks for the extra podcast hear, bud, however simply step away from the keyboard. You’re making your self look even (extra) ridiculous.
Travis was pulling a web page straight out of the POTUS 45 playbook: Say one thing preposterous, get requested about it, say you didn’t say it, then after any person reads again the precise factor you stated that you simply declare you by no means stated, deride or ignore them and alter the topic.
One in all Travis’s favourite longtime targets is ESPN, supposedly a liberal hotbed with an on-air political agenda.
Gosh, I hate when folks make me defend ESPN.
Certain, Clay, it’s an ACLU incubator over there – Chris Berman canvassed for Eugene McCarthy in 1968, and I do know for a incontrovertible fact that Linda Cohn has a Friedrich Engels bobble head on her desk.
In the course of the pandemic, Travis has railed on Fox Sports activities Radio concerning the coronavirus hoax along with his “data-centric rational considering.” He always misleads his viewers, and after being confirmed incorrect, merely provides a brand new set of unimpeachable, flawed knowledge. He loves shifting the goalposts, and he’s darn good at it – as an SEC diehard, he is aware of how one can cheat.
Travis operates equally to the forward-thinking neo-Neanderthals at Barstool Sports activities, aka Barstool Pattern. My column riled them, too; you don’t mess with the stoolies’ sandbox. Over time, I’ve been variously attacked there by monstrously gifted PFT Commenter, monstrously untalented Barstool Nate and the monster himself, Barstool Pattern president and lead predator Dave Portnoy.
You’ll be able to’t combat these guys – by no means sling mud towards individuals who roll in it. Their M.O.: Whenever you go excessive, we’ll go low; if you go low, we’ll go decrease. Battling these feral bedlamites, and their senseless minions, is like bringing a butter knife to a shotgun combat.
Moreover, I don’t have time for this, even in our sportsless right here and now. I’m halfway binge-reading the Bible – I’m as much as the half concerning the man with the tablets. Great things.
Ask The Slouch
Q. If solely important staff are toiling beneath these pandemic circumstances, why would MLB gamers be working? And if school campuses are closed to college students, why would some college students be there to play soccer? (David Allen; Chicago)
A. Are these rhetorical questions?
Q. What does it say concerning the present coronavirus-state of sports activities journalism after I really look ahead to studying your column each week? (Philip R. Hochberg; Chevy Chase, Maryland)
A. Good to know my work solely thrives throughout once-in-a-century pandemic circumstances.
Q. Did NFL cornerbacks DeAndre Baker and Quinton Dunbar at the very least maintain their masks on and observe social distancing whereas allegedly robbing company at that Florida cookout? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, New York)
A. Pay the person, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Money Giveaway. Simply e mail firstname.lastname@example.org, in case your query is used, you win $1.25 in money!
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