The other day my wife, Sandra, and I planned to do various outdoor fall chores. My wife had beat me outside and was busy in her flower beds.
I stepped out the door and was sitting in a patio chair putting on my shoes. Suddenly Sandra was standing in front of me, dripping wet.
“That new hose you bought just blew up and soaked me,” she said.
My wife has numerous flower beds and fancy shrubs around our property. In order to make maintenance easier, I installed multiple outdoor faucets, and to make it even more convenient, I purchased a separate hose for each one so she didn’t have to change or drag hoses from place to place.
For full disclosure, I actually bought the extra hoses so I didn’t have to change or drag hoses from place to place.
I bought those new hoses seen on TV that expand and contract, are lightweight and you can drive over them with a truck without damage. I can’t discuss the cost of these hoses because this is a family newspaper, so let’s just say when you buy six of these hoses at one time, don’t count on going to a steakhouse for Saturday dinner anytime soon or actually anywhere that serves food and has waitresses.
As I was tying my shoes, my mind kept racing to where I had put the receipt for those hoses. There is no way a new hose should have exploded. I was sure I could get a replacement if I had the proper paperwork.
All of this time my wife remained standing in front of me in an ever growing puddle as water dripped from her in a seemingly endless fashion.
As I went to stand up, she whispered something too low for me to hear.
“What,” I asked?
As we are getting older, I notice that the word “what” is used a lot in our conversations and didn’t think any more of what she said until she repeated it in a low voice, “I might have nicked it.”
If we hadn’t been married for 61 years, I might have assumed the voice I was hearing was from a 12-year-old girl who just got dirt on her new dress and was afraid she might be in trouble.
I sat back down and said, “Sandra, I thought you told me the hose ‘blew up’, exactly what does, ‘I may have nicked it mean?’”
“Well,” she replied, “I was using the new electric trimmer you bought me to trim some shrubs and I didn’t see the hose and I may have nicked it.”
“OK,” I said, “Let me install a new hose and then I will see if I can fix the one you ‘nicked.’”
A few minutes later, I was standing at the scene of the crime. It was pretty easy to find as everything within 10 feet was soaked.
At first I felt like a detective trying to figure out what actually happened, but I soon turned into an EMT trying to find signs of life in the hose that was to my right, to my left with a few pieces straight ahead.
A few minutes later with the water back on, I was on the patio with the hose — or what used to be a hose — in my hand.
“Can you fix it?” Sandra asked with a shy smile.
“Fix it,” I laughed. “If I nicked myself shaving like you nicked this hose, I would have to carry my head to the office in a briefcase.”
However what she did next is the best trick in a wife’s playbook. She smiled and simply reminded me of the time I backed the lawnmower through the closed gate in our new fence.
She sweetly told me not to worry, accidents happen. Because I have done many more dumb things than she has, I figured the best thing to do was shut up and buy a new hose.
John Kasun writes from his home in Duncansville where he tries to fix the things he has broken before his wife finds out.
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